Tuesday, July 5, 2011

40 little things that really shouldn't matter (that secretly bug the shit out of us)

(totally not barfing my inner thoughts all over the interwebs, i swear :P)

1. The fact that your couch is at least 20 years old.

2. You ordered pizza tonight. The scale shudders in the back of your closet.

3. The number of your Facebook friends is way less than someone else's.

4. You haven't gotten a master's degree yet.

5. You haven't published a masterful book yet.

6. You haven't recorded the next White Album.

7. Your cat likes your partner better. That bitch queen.

8. Why aren't you the next Jack Kerouac yet? Oh yeah, you have a festering hatred for poetry.

9. You haven't cured the world of hunger, poverty, ignorance, hybrid car smugness, or Twilight fans yet.

10. That longing for grownup, 400+ thread count linens...

11. All humans make mistakes. This includes your parents, your partner, your boss, and most importantly, YOU.

12. That guy in the next car is hooting at you...or is it making fun of the J-pop you have cranked up to GhettoBlaster levels of ear pain?

13. You don't look like Scarlett Johansson.

14. You have no desire to go to a high school reunion in three years.

15. You still like candles on your birthday cake.

16. Your LOLcat isn't on the front of Cheezburger.

17. Someone more qualified got that fancy job with a salary.

18. You're not driving a Prius/Leaf/fart-powered sexmobile because they're too damn esspensive.

19. You can't always get what you want.

20. ...But sometimes, you just might find that you get what you need.

21. Your chin/nose/brow/freckles stick out farther than a millimeter from your face.

22. College fizzled the reading-for-pleasure center of your brain.

23. Your peeps/bros/co-workers/homies can run a mile and a half, which is a mile and a half more than you can do.

24. AKB48 sells more records than god.

25. And damn it, why aren't you an idol?

26. Because you're *ahem* too tall. Yeah, that's it.

27. You can't go toe to toe with people in political arguments.

28. You hate politics.

29. You just can't bring yourself to be interested in the latest crazy presidential bid, anyway.

30. You aren't octolingual.

31. You haven't accidentally invented the laser mouse, Tetris or the Snuggie yet.

32. There are some people in this world you just won't ever get along with.

33. You don't have a time machine.

34. Or a TARDIS.

35. Or a David Tennant, Matt Smith, a Christopher Eccelston or Paul McGann.

36. ....Or a Billie Piper...or a Karen Gillan. *omnom*

37. Batman.

38. You're not internet famous.

39. You're not a super porntastic sex goddess.

40. You're too old to get $20 bills in your birthday cards (or $100s, or boxes full of money for no reason :D )


Rick said...

Retort to such:

1. At least it's not older than you.

2. Pizza is awesome and should not be a regret.

3. Fewer friends of Facebook means less drama and stupidity. I think there also have been studies of people's base intelligence decreases the more involved in social media they are.

4. A master's degree is overrated anymore. I'm older than you, and I think getting a Master's degree in my early to mid-thirties is a realistic shelf.

5. Not all of us are cut out to be Ann Rand or Hemmingway... Then again, not all of us would want to be anyways.

6. Some of us are musically challenged, or more appropriately, musically oblivious and deaf.

7. Cats are overrated.

8. Some poetry is good. Not all; some.

9. There's always cannibalism?

10. There has been a link that higher thread-count linens are linked to more dust-mites and other microbes that feast on your dead skin cells and perspiration that reside in said sheets.

11. So is learning from mistakes. Some may take more than the initial mistake made to learn, but it happens eventually... Unless it's skydiving.

12. And the guy playing rap and trying to be "gangsta" is better how?

13. To every person their own vice, which for me wouldn't be Johansson.

14. At least you had one.

15. I like other things on my cake. No, not a stripper, though I suppose I shouldn't knock it before I've tried it...

16. Cats are only useful when you have a laser and they have poor depth-perception.

17. At least you haven't gotten chased out of a salaried position yet.

18. And then there are those of us who want 4-wheel drive and an undercarriage that is higher than 4" during the winter.

19. But you can always work towards the things you want.

20. Getting by on the basics isn't always the most pleasant of situations.

21. At least you haven't found an inch-long hair growing from the lobe of your ear or the side of your nose yet.

22. I think college does that both to the creative process and the aspects of leisure in general.

23. Not all of us are fitness fanatics... Then again, a lot of us like to sleep in rather than jogging at 5 in the morning.

24. Before right now, never heard of them.

25. Why would you WANT to be an idol? I'd rather be respected and happy than have paparazzi, stalkers, critics, scammers, and all the other drama and headaches that go with it.

26. Better than "too x-chromosome", "too overqualified", or "too... (dramatic pause) you."

27. Not all of us can afford to spend the time to research politics religiously. Some of us have our own lives and hobbies outside the realm of politics.

28. The only thing I probably hate worse are the politicians.

29. It's still early?

30. It's hard enough to understand some of the people here today in plain English.

31. They're called inventions for a reason, and in this day and age, innovation is a rare trait.

32. Up until a couple days ago, I considered that to be false (not referring to you, more a mutual "friend" of ours).

33. It's been proven that time machines are beyond our capability by Stephen Hawking and a few others.

34. Trans-dimensional travel might be something that shouldn't be rules out yet though.

35. You just haven't met the right people yet in terms of wackiness.

36. Eh, to each their own.

37. I'm more worried about the religious institution and constraints of the current marriage circumstances not evolving with most populist thought.

38. Again, overrated. Plus, I've found that more internet stars are bigger douchbags than their Hollywood counter-parts.

39. At least you know where you stand and aren't as deluded as some of your male counterparts.

40. Conversely we probably only made a few hundred dollars on a good year as kids before we had jobs thus having our quality of life improve, being able to afford large-ticket purchases.

The Fly said...

I think you're taking me a little too seriously :P

Daskaea said...

I'm really depressed that I don't have a TARDIS as well.

Daskaea said...

Also, you totally are a sex-goddess. *WINKWINKNUDGENUDGE*